i knew it!

>%20You%20scored%20as%20agnosticism.%20You%20are%20an%20agnostic.%20Though%20it%20is%20generally%20taken%20that%20agnostics%20neither%20believe%20nor%20disbelieve%20in%20God,%20it%20is%20possible%20to%20be%20a%20theist%20or%20atheist%20in%20addition%20to%20an%20agnostic.%20Agnostics%20don' thereof).
Agnosticism is a philosophy that God's existence cannot be proven. Some say it is possible to be agnostic and follow a religion; however, one cannot be a devout believer if he or she does not truly believe.

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agnosticism		83%
Satanism		71%
atheism		71%
Paganism		63%
Buddhism		54%
Islam		42%
Judaism		42%
Hinduism		25%
Christianity		21%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

jump

He tells her.. jump in with me. And she does. Then he say, no wait, thats too deep. Come back. And he tugs her back, till she can feel the sand beneath her feet. So thats where she stands now. Not exactly in the deep end.. Not exactly on the shore.

Lets just say.. waist deep.

Ah.. Love...

I thought I was not going to write here again... but here it is - my thoughts for the moment.
Location - East Malaysia (and no. Not on the beach)
Reason for writing- Waiting stubbornly for someone to get online though I'm burning a hole through my pocket doing so in this stupid hotel's business centre.

Ah.. the things you do when you are in love. ;)

The question is. Am I?

What else could explain my absolute and thorough fascination/ obsession with this guy? This guy who re-entered my life when I least expected it? This guy who makes me laugh when he talks to me and smile whenever he enters my thoughts. This guy who makes me feel ridiculously happy when I make him laugh.

How else do I explain it?

Reckless.

He called me that.

That might be another word for it.

I can see a great deal of things happening to snap this relationship in two. And for the life of me I don't know where all this is headed. But for now, I don't want it to end.

Good night.

A = Awkwardness?

I remember this one time, when A and I were walking to a park near his apartment – we were walking on the sidewalk, when he held out his hand and took hold of my index finger. My index finger! I’m not sure if he wanted to hold my hand but didn’t want to make it too obvious? Or maybe holding my hands would let out too much on how he was feeling so just hanging on to my index finger gave him a sense of control? I don’t know. I never asked why. At one point however, he took my whole palm into his, but as abruptly as he held it, he let it go. And we continued walking, without missing a beat. I didn’t even turn to look at him when he did it. I did notice however, how we kept bumping into each other, not quite comfortable with each other’s rhythm or pace. When he tried to grab my index finger again, I swear I wanted to burst out laughing. It took me quite a bit of self-control to keep a straight face with my index finger tucked into his palm.

As we continued our walk down the sidewalk, a couple passed us by. Both had their palms in each other’s back pockets. They had this perfect rhythm when they walked, not bumping into each other even once. Their legs moving in such faultless harmony as though they were just one body with four legs. Then the guy must have said something funny, cause the girl looked up at him and laughed. He pulled her closer, which didn’t seem possible from where I was looking. But he managed it. And they disappeared from our view around the curve. Happy. Comfortable. Perfect.

And there we were. A and I. Gauche. Awkward. With my index finger in his palm. And he stepping on my feet.

I did look up at him at that point, and I remember wondering… why.. why…WHY was it so damn difficult??

The grouch.

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Which Sesame Street Muppet Are You?

I'm borreeedddd!!!

Nothing to smile about.

People have stopped smiling at each other in my office. Not that we were an extremely friendly bunch to begin with, but now even the pretext of a polite smile is missing. Apparently, the stress level is building up tremendously. To a point managers are dropping off this line of work like flies. Today, in the pantry, I overheard a manager (whom I thought adored her work) complaining that she could not take it anymore. Another manager who always gave me hell in the past because she was such a zealous perfectionist told me yesterday she was quitting the firm and moving to China. I could not believe it. I always thought she'd be one who died in her cubicle in front of her laptop... with her hands still on the keypad. Or something to that effect.
But there she was, standing in front of the mirror in the ladies, telling me her last day would be when and when.. smiling smugly the whole time. A smile which I translated to mean 'Ha Ha! You're still stuck in this hell hole AND I'm leaving! Ha Ha!'
Sheeeshh.

Why all the sudden build up in stress? Well the gist of it is basically, we have to incorporate a hundred more new standards and best practices and guidelines into our already hectic work schedule with not a minute more given to work on them. Basically more work but no extra time to work on it. I blame it entirely on the US. The newest and latest best practices are coming from there. Post Enron, they seem to be fighting enthusiasticly trying to rebuild the faith in this 'watch dog' profession. To a point of idiocy I should add. All I can say is why were they such greedy idiots to begin with?!

Who's suffering now? Me! Moi! And the rest of my professional buddies.
Sheeesshh.

Well, so far I've not really been suffering. I've somehow managed to escape the brunt of it, partly because I've been handling smaller scale projects. But come January, my projects are getting bigger and my responsibilities even greater. What then?

Am I gonna stop smiling like the rest of my depressed colleagues?

My happy ending?

My mum cornered me yesterday asking me when exactly I'm planning to get married. Or at the very least show some interest in the prospect. I tried to change the subject as usual but this time she was persistent. I told her to drop it. Just not now okay?
I don't think I've moved further away from marriage than I have right now. I was at one point this year entertaining the idea of letting my mum go ahead and look for someone. Partly to please her. Partly to keep my options open.
But, right now, at my current state of being, I don't think I can do that anymore. I'm not sure if it is an eye opener that I can't settle for anything less than the whole she bang of falling in love. Or if I've moved myself back to a place that I should not have. Or that I have just stopped believing in my idealistic view of everlasting love.
Driving back from work today, I caught myself thinking about what my mum said about me shutting myself from opportunities and people. I don't really do that. But I do limit myself to only a few people whom I feel comfortable with. Which can't be wrong I'm sure..

I'm not sure how long more I can keep my mum hanging like this. As ungrateful as this sounds, I just wish she'd realise this is my life and I have to make my own choices. She means well, I see that. But the thought of settling for something/someone just because I'm afraid of being alone (or she's afraid I'll end up alone) is just so warped and depressing.

Nope. I can't do it.

A is not my Big.

But my friends are my Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte. That is the conclusion I arrived at after watching the final .. FINAL episode of Sex and the City. Okay, our sex lives aren’t as colourful but the underlying theme i.e their friendship… that we definitely have.

And as much as I’d like to walk around thinking that at 25 I’ve had the two great loves of my life, seen the core shakers in their gripping action and basically well seen it all… I KNOW this ain’t nothing yet. And NO, this realisation did not come from watching SATC. Not all of it at least. :p I am just so guilty sometimes of romanticising everything that has happened before although in all honesty, it wasn’t really that good when it did happen. Its just so 'beautiful' this nostalgia.. well I make it so.. to a point I go on and inflate emotions that where not really there to begin with. Blowing it out of proportion, then going on and assuming that it was HUGE and I’ll never have anything like it ever again. In a way its true. It was huge when it happened. But there are so many more huge things just waiting to happen…

So to think that I have seen it all at this point of my life is pretty much ridiculous. And I have arrived at the conclusion that we can’t really ever claim that at any point in our lives. Not at 25, not at 30 and not even at 50. Because, each step we take is always something new and never really the same as anything else we’ve had experienced before.

‘We can never really know what to want, because, living only one life, we can never compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come…… there is no testing of which decision is better because there is no basis of comparison. We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold. And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself?’ – Milan Kundera, Unbearable Lightness of Being.

That just about sums up what I’m trying to say. Pretty good read, that book, though a little dark at times.

On a lighter note, I can’t believe that was the last time I was ever gonna see Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw. And for the last time, see Samantha fuck Smith. Wow.. this is painful! :p